Speaking of headaches, I have one. Every day now. I had my first migraine yesterday morning. Thankfully my mom finally realized that I was serious and not just trying to get a nap in (I only slept a half of an hour last night because of the tooth and head pains...) It's getting ridiculous. Mom wants me to go to the Dreamcenter to get my tooth pulled. Have I mentioned how utterly and completely terrified I am of dentists? No fun...
M cut T's hair today. No more bowel cut! She said I could add her on FB too, despite AA being "anonymous". lol I did. I shouldn't have. She's so pretty, outgoing, skinny, friendly, has a social life and is friends with people that I want to be friends with. She's interesting and stylish, and I want to be her. Borderline stalker....
So apparently there's some sort of unspoken rule about not dating for your first year of sobriety. How come my sponsor didn't tell me that? That, as well as "13-steppin' it" crushed the C dream. Ever since he told me about the 13th step thing while sitting in his car, he barely acknowledges me. Whenever he does, it's purely casual. I would have bet money that he was flirting pre-conversation. I don't know what happened. Maybe a realization that we both hadn't even hit 90 days yet. Maybe he likes D - he sure texts her all the time and almost always sits by her. He goes out with her and M and CR after meetings (another reason I wish I was M, even though I FINALLY got invited to go with sometime by C).
I'm so comfortably uncomfortable in this AA group. On the one hand, everyone is so unbelievably friendly and they feel like my second family, but on the other hand, there are people like D, M, C, CR, etc. that make me feel like the unpopular freak who couldn't get in with the cool crowd, and even if I was sitting in the same room at the same table, I wouldn't fit in. I crave true friendship so badly...
Tonight was M's 3 year birthday. We got cake. There was some really strong coffee there, too. The cake was really good, actually. I wasn't going to have any on account of the fact that I'm trying to lose at least 60 pounds so I can look hot like M, but I figured, it wasn't chocolate, it had strawberries, it was a small piece, and I didn't think one small piece of cake would make a terrible amount of difference. I brought Mom and B home a slice with two strawberries to share.
Looked at my bank account tonight because I was concerned about the fact that I wasn't going to finish B's Father's Day gift in time, and I wanted to get him something else. Turns out, I have more money than I thought I did, which means that I can get B a card. In addition, I'm going to buy him something sweet like hard candy (he can't have chocolate, fat, nuts, or anything hard to chew) and make him (and Mom - to make up for her shitty Mother's Day as well as the fact that she's always been the father I've celebrated). Things are looking pretty alright on that front, all things considering.
D told me the other day that she wanted to see T, so I scheduled a trip to the park. We were supposed to meet tomorrow, but apparently Da is in town for Father's Day, so she said she wouldn't be able to make it. I think I'll change the location to Wannamaker - I enjoy going there so much more than the park, especially since it's so hot now.
I feel like T and B should be planning something for D and J, but I don't feel like either of them have earned the big title D. A. D., let alone should be celebrated for their assistance in creating these children. If anything, I should be celebrated for taking J's place for 6 years and D's for 3. J's been absent in every way but financially, and D's just been absent (another warrant for not paying child support! What's this, number 5 now?) Those facts considering, PLUS the fact that neither one of them have asked to see them on Sunday, drove me to the conclusion that they don't deserve a Father's Day surprise.
School's so busy it's ridiculous. I'm really enjoying the semester Kawaii project, looking forward to the parity project, nervous about the group project proposal on Tuesday where I'll meet my classmates for the first time, and frustrated with my group members on the stupid magazine semester-long project (this is the SECOND week I've asked them to email me so that I could get their addresses, and still nothing. Doubt we'll end up meeting before Thursday's class, either). School is a huge contributor to the headaches, but I'm keeping my head above water despite having all of the schoolwork piling up (not for lack of effort on my part, I assure you).
During Thursday's class presentation, the first group acted like AA and said "I'm _____, _____, and _____..... and we're alcoholics. HAHAHA" and everyone laughed. I got offended. No one besides my home group friends and my mom and B know that I'm in AA. It's unbelievably hard to avoid the subject of booze in class (booze ads, booze magazine topics, booze while baking, talking about the frequency of drinking, AA jokes, etc.) It's getting exhausting. I'm to the point where I really don't care if people know I'm in AA. It's not like it can look bad on my part. As far as I'm concerned, if anything, it PROVES that I'm sober and clean! So why would it matter if anyone knew? CPS wouldn't do anything about it. I'm just really paranoid.
The house is pretty clean considering the two tornadoes who destroy it on a daily basis. Being forced to clean in order to put the flea powder down actually worked to my advantage. The laundry is piling up though, and the bathroom smells like a dirty asshole, but all in all it's pretty decent around here. Soon as I stop staying up, I'll feel better and have more energy to clean and maintain. Hopefully.
Man, I need a cigarette. I didn't realize I had so much to say until I started typing. Goodnight, journal and everyone reading.
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