21 Days Sober

I'm 21 days sober now. I have a sponsor, grand-sponsor, a guy who teaches me something new every time I see him at meetings, and many amazing AA friends. Why do I feel so lonely? I will admit, as wrong as it probably is, I have a crush on 2 of the guys in my AA group.... Even if they WERE into me, we're not supposed to date for the first year of sobriety, and I don't think either one of them are close to that....

I'm exhausted. I got new AA books, been to 4 meetings a week, trying to learn tons of BB stuff, have my 3rd step baptism Sunday, and my 30 days is coming up. This sobriety is a lot more work than I thought it would be. I mean, how hard is it just to not drink? But no, abstinence and sobriety are two different things.

I switched from Prozac to Effexor (I've taken 2 days worth so far), and as far as attitude goes, I feel pretty good 85%  of the day. My body/mind still want to go into hibernation or pity party mode occasionally, but I have a lot more energy. The side effects so far are odd, though. Excessive sweating, going from not hungry (and mildly nauseous) to ravenous, getting goosebumps a lot, minor muscle spasms, being jittery (though the amount of coffee I'm consuming may play a large role in that), and yawning. Overall, though, I'd rather feel these side effects than the emptiness that I felt before. We'll see how I feel in two weeks.

Brought my daughter to a meeting tonight. C's kids were there, too, so she had them and the tab to play with. She ended up not being in the meeting room more than 2 minutes, and not at all during the actual meeting. Everyone loved her. She loved the attention - and the cookies. I want to bring her when I pick up my 30 day chip, but it's not going to be a regular thing.

I'm planning on dropping a class that I'm taking. Mom is going to be angry but I don't care. I know how much I can handle, and taking on the kids, the cleaning, the AA thing, and three summer-speed DESIGN classes is going to kill me. Mom doesn't know, but I already have to take 1 spring class since I couldn't afford to take 4 this summer (thank God for that...), so what's one more? And I'll be graduating with everyone else. I hope she doesn't get too mad....

Sobriety needs to be my number 1 priority right now, because if I can't stay sober, I sure as hell am not going to be able to pass my classes, clean up well, or care for my kids.

Almost Halfway To 30

My emotions fluctuate so rapidly I can barely keep up with them these days. I'm so happy, and then all of a sudden I'm in a mood. Sometimes I really enjoy my meetings, sometimes I don't want to be there for anything. Sometimes it'll change WHILE I'm there. I have no idea what's happening. Alcohol withdrawals? Prozac not working? PMSing? Something else? It's giving me a headache and it's really frustrating.

Speaking of headaches, I have one. Every day now. I had my first migraine yesterday morning. Thankfully my mom finally realized that I was serious and not just trying to get a nap in (I only slept a half of an hour last night because of the tooth and head pains...) It's getting ridiculous. Mom wants me to go to the Dreamcenter to get my tooth pulled. Have I mentioned how utterly and completely terrified I am of dentists? No fun...

M cut T's hair today. No more bowel cut! She said I could add her on FB too, despite AA being "anonymous". lol I did. I shouldn't have. She's so pretty, outgoing, skinny, friendly, has a social life and is friends with people that I want to be friends with. She's interesting and stylish, and I want to be her. Borderline stalker....

So apparently there's some sort of unspoken rule about not dating for your first year of sobriety. How come my sponsor didn't tell me that? That, as well as "13-steppin' it" crushed the C dream. Ever since he told me about the 13th step thing while sitting in his car, he barely acknowledges me. Whenever he does, it's purely casual. I would have bet money that he was flirting pre-conversation. I don't know what happened. Maybe a realization that we both hadn't even hit 90 days yet. Maybe he likes D - he sure texts her all the time and almost always sits by her. He goes out with her and M and CR after meetings (another reason I wish I was M, even though I FINALLY got invited to go with sometime by C).

I'm so comfortably uncomfortable in this AA group. On the one hand, everyone is so unbelievably friendly and they feel like my second family, but on the other hand, there are people like D, M, C, CR, etc. that make me feel like the unpopular freak who couldn't get in with the cool crowd, and even if I was sitting in the same room at the same table, I wouldn't fit in. I crave true friendship so badly...

Tonight was M's 3 year birthday. We got cake. There was some really strong coffee there, too. The cake was really good, actually. I wasn't going to have any on account of the fact that I'm trying to lose at least 60 pounds so I can look hot like M, but I figured, it wasn't chocolate, it had strawberries, it was a small piece, and I didn't think one small piece of cake would make a terrible amount of difference. I brought Mom and B home a slice with two strawberries to share.

Looked at my bank account tonight because I was concerned about the fact that I wasn't going to finish B's Father's Day gift in time, and I wanted to get him something else. Turns out, I have more money than I thought I did, which means that I can get B a card. In addition, I'm going to buy him something sweet like hard candy (he can't have chocolate, fat, nuts, or anything hard to chew) and make him (and Mom - to make up for her shitty Mother's Day as well as the fact that she's always been the father I've celebrated). Things are looking pretty alright on that front, all things considering.

D told me the other day that she wanted to see T, so I scheduled a trip to the park. We were supposed to meet tomorrow, but apparently Da is in town for Father's Day, so she said she wouldn't be able to make it. I think I'll change the location to Wannamaker - I enjoy going there so much more than the park, especially since it's so hot now.

I feel like T and B should be planning something for D and J, but I don't feel like either of them have earned the big title D. A. D., let alone should be celebrated for their assistance in creating these children. If anything, I should be celebrated for taking J's place for 6 years and D's for 3. J's been absent in every way but financially, and D's just been absent (another warrant for not paying child support! What's this, number 5 now?)  Those facts considering, PLUS the fact that neither one of them have asked to see them on Sunday, drove me to the conclusion that they don't deserve a Father's Day surprise.

School's so busy it's ridiculous. I'm really enjoying the semester Kawaii project, looking forward to the parity project, nervous about the group project proposal on Tuesday where I'll meet my classmates for the first time, and frustrated with my group members on the stupid magazine semester-long project (this is the SECOND week I've asked them to email me so that I could get their addresses, and still nothing. Doubt we'll end up meeting before Thursday's class, either). School is a huge contributor to the headaches, but I'm keeping my head above water despite having all of the schoolwork piling up (not for lack of effort on my part, I assure you).

During Thursday's class presentation, the first group acted like AA and said "I'm _____, _____, and _____..... and we're alcoholics. HAHAHA" and everyone laughed. I got offended. No one besides my home group friends and my mom and B know that I'm in AA. It's unbelievably hard to avoid the subject of booze in class (booze ads, booze magazine topics, booze while baking, talking about the frequency of drinking, AA jokes, etc.) It's getting exhausting. I'm to the point where I really don't care if people know I'm in AA. It's not like it can look bad on my part. As far as I'm concerned, if anything, it PROVES that I'm sober and clean! So why would it matter if anyone knew? CPS wouldn't do anything about it. I'm just really paranoid.

The house is pretty clean considering the two tornadoes who destroy it on a daily basis. Being forced to clean in order to put the flea powder down actually worked to my advantage. The laundry is piling up though, and the bathroom smells like a dirty asshole, but all in all it's pretty decent around here. Soon as I stop staying up, I'll feel better and have more energy to clean and maintain. Hopefully.

Man, I need a cigarette. I didn't realize I had so much to say until I started typing. Goodnight, journal and everyone reading.

Another Step Meeting

I'm exhausted. It's 4 in the morning and I still haven't slept. I'm working furiously on school projects that I should have worked on WAY before now.... I don't know why I procrastinate so much. I have so much to do and I don't feel at ALL like doing it!

I've been feeling like crap lately. No energy, headaches every day, listlessness, irritation, no motivation. I managed to get my ass in the car to go to a Step Study meeting tonight. I almost talked myself out of it. I must remember that the longer I go without attending a meeting, the less I want to go... I made the announcement about the ocean baptism I'm going to be doing to symbolize my moving past step 3. It's on the 22nd. I invited all of my AA friends, but it's a ways away, so we'll see who actually shows up.

I still seem to be struggling with my sponsor. I don't want to tell her I'm moving on, but I know I need to. She's stopped responding to my texts quickly - now it's around a day in between each response. She still hasn't told me to do anything else besides this stupid journal.... 

Well, I have to get back to the grind (and take headache medicine... and make coffee). Wish me luck today. All-nighter FTW!   -_-

I'm Back At It!

(This app, which is on my Galaxy tablet, is called Cleantime Counter, available on Google Play)

Okay, so I'm back on the journal wagon. I figured I should probably listen to my sponsor, but hand writing my journal entries was taking WAY too long, and it was getting very discouraging. I simply don't have the time to write in a journal for hours on end. I thought that maybe, since I type 60 WPM, I would be able to actually keep one this time.

After falling off of the wagon and into my two-day binge on May 30th-31st, I picked up my second white chip. The support I received when I stood up, face puffy and tears rolling steadily down my cheeks, was completely overwhelming. So many people clapped for me, even CONGRATULATED me for coming back and having the courage to start over and give myself back to the program. I never would have thought about my failure in a positive light if it wasn't for everyone in the AA group.

I'm on day seven of my sobriety. Longest seven days of my life, it seems. Best seven days, though. I've enjoyed all of the meetings that I've been to. I feel utterly and completely accepted. I'm so comfortable with everyone in the group. I vented a couple of weeks ago, told my story, sort of. That was the night that I went to my first step study meeting, where, ironically, they were studying the 2nd step, the step I was on. That meeting, I knew that the reason I was there was because God needed me to see Him in the way that I was supposed to. I got past the 2nd step that night.

I'm on the 3rd step now. I want so badly to give my life over to God and believe that he can heal me, but it's SO hard!! I'm still working on it.... I've had a sponsor for a week now, and the only thing she's told me to do is to keep a journal. I don't feel like I have a sponsor much anymore past the first day, when I texted her like 8 times. I hear stories about other people's sponsors telling them to do all this stuff and making all these rules and here I am, doing nothing. No steps advice, no redirection to Big Book pages to help, no rules, no advice. I think I need a new one. I mean, I love B to death, but she's mothering, when I need teaching.

I can't wait to go to my next meeting. I'm going Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays starting this Wednesday. It's going to be a LOOOONG 6 days...

Reserved

My sponsor told me to keep a journal, and I did -- for a day. I don't know where the pages are, though, but I'm reserving this post in case I find them. If so, I'll fill it in here. 

This was an older journal post, after my first AA meeting, the only one that I was forced to attend:

How do I even start this? "Hi, my name is Jessica and I'm an alcoholic". That seems like the most appropriate beginning. I may not have said those words aloud yet, but it doesn't make them any less true. It's unfortunate, but obviously something I'll learn to deal with....

I've been leery of keeping a diary for the past couple of years, considering that my last one was read by my nosey mother - she even wrote her own commentary in it! Regardless, it seems important now to keep one. I want a way to express my feelings, but that isn't my main motive. It's been brought to my attention that there may have been mental issues in high school that I knew nothing about. I've only just realized this, since I found myself looking at my old diaries. There were some very disturbing entries in them. Maybe I'll learn when I look at this diary, several years from now. Or, maybe not.

I feel like things are quickly falling apart, disintegrating in my hands. I've lost so much and gained so little. I've lost my "boyfriend", my home, my internet, my control, my mother, my dignity, my pride. I never thought I'd really be considered an ALCOHOLIC.

The word isn't scary until it's used to describe you. I'm being forced to go to meetings, but at least I've realized that I actually DO have a problem. I can't believe I never saw it before... I think I've always known, but have never been willing to admit it. I guess you really have no choice when all of your drunken bad decisions start overflowing and causing problems.

I wish I wouldn't have invited K over. I think that's one of my main regrets (besides hurting my mother, of course). I don't regret it because of what we did -- I very much enjoyed myself. I regret showing myself to him that way. I wanted him to see me as desirable, beautiful, worthy. Instead, I all but know I appeared slutty, easy, sloppy. It's painful because when we talked, I felt... FEELINGS. I started to like him. He is attractive, intelligent, kind, funny, and I wanted more. More than one night of physical touch. Based on our conversation this morning (or lack thereof), I don't see that happening. Stupid, stupid, STUPID. 

I wonder if I intentionally miss things up for myself. Maybe subconsciously, I don't feel like I deserve to be. Sure feels like deliberate sabotage...

So often lately, I've wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and just cry (cue pity-party). I'm surprised I haven't. I feel them, the tears, stuck inside of me. I'm so, so miserable. I just don't think I have much more strength left in me. I can't find the will or want to fight. If I wasn't such a coward, I think I would have ended this life. I wonder if reincarnation is real. I don't believe in anything or anyone anymore. I'm so lost. Worst part is, I don't believe I'm worth being found...